the fastest man in the world

about a week ago, sketchcore performed at a benefit for a local women's shelter. we tried out some new sketches and were very pleased with the audience response. i think the shelter also raised a nice amount of money, so everyone was happy.

after we finished our set, we headed down the street to a little local called "rose's." the inside of the bar has numerous mismatched couches, chairs, tables...it's a lot like you're sitting in your friend's uncle's basement only the beers cost money ($2 old styles!). while we recapped the evening's performance, an older gentleman came over to chat with us. he made some small talk, told us a bit about his wife who was sitting at the bar and then, he made a bold claim.

"i am the fastest man in the world."

we were amazed, of course, and wondered how he could make such a statement. "how could he prove it to us?!," we wondered.

it turns out, he could prove it to us using just one quarter. we would have to provide the quarter, but "hey," we thought, "that's a pretty cheap ticket price to see the fastest man in the world!"

ed volunteered the quarter and his hand for the demonstration. the man instructed everyone around him to remain completely still and silent. we followed his very specifc directions and the rest went as follows:

he placed the quarter atop ed's willing hand (as dunbar watched intently).

and then, in the blink of an eye...

he swiped it from ed's hand! and the dude was fast! lightening-fast!

we decided that it was totally worth twenty-five cents to see him swipe it, so we donated another quarter for a repeat performance.

later as shottsie and i were leaving, we had one last interaction with thefastestmanintheworld and his wife. the fmitw asked me why i was leaving so early and i told him that i had to work at 7 am. he asked why and i said that i worked at a daycare/preschool. "oh, i love kids" he said, throwing his head back and placing both hands on his chest as if he was clutching a bouquet of flowers. from under her baseball cap, his wife nodded in approval. "no kids, nooo kids...we had cats though," he continued, "lots of cats. messy things." his wife nodded again, pushing up her thick, black-rimmed glasses. i laughed as i picked up my bag and shottsie told the two of them to have a great night. as we turned to leave, the fmitw tugged on my arm and waved with his hand for us to come closer and listen to one more thing he needed to impart to us.

"if you knew who i was..." he said quietly, "if you knew who i was, you'd want to go home and commit suicide."

i glanced over at his wife and she was nodding, smiling and then i looked to shotts. he looked as if he had just seen an elephant do a backflip.

"ooook..." i said, "well have a great night!"

i guess being the fastest man in the world has its consequences.